fashion funnies: how to buy a bathing suit...

this was sent to me via email from my good friend judy...talk about a good laugh...not sure where the email originated...but for all of us who have been there...may this put a smile on your face...

When I was a child in the 1970s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.  The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have?  I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,  by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is now meant to wear  her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of Playdough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.  I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit! 

photo source

difficult items...

...what's difficult will vary from person to person...but almost universally traumatic and hard to find are a good pair of jeans...a bathing suit...and for some...shoes (although the only problem i have with shoes is just buying one pair)...but i digress...

for those difficult pieces...you want a low-stress shopping experience...so...first...shop for only one difficult item per shopping trip...no matter how much you hate the mall...stick to that one item...in other words...focus only on that item...and if you find one version of any of the above items that you like...that fits...and that you could afford in a single shopping trip...you can consider that trip a success...

and if you can swing it...buy two...

photo source

fashion funnies: bathing beauties...

cocktail napkins say the darndest things...



enjoy your weekend...

fashion funnies: cathy & bathing suit shopping...

clipped this one late last summer from the san francisco chronicle...cathy cathy cathy...in her shopping quest for the perfect bathing suit...

cathy: i have the size 6 string bikini on and it's still a little baggy!

cathy: now i have on the size 4 bandeau top with sparkly thong bottom!

cathy: now i have on the size 2 plunging neckline, waist-high leg hole tank!

cathy: ha, ha! they all just hang on me this year!

sales woman: let me see! let me see!

sales woman: did you try the suits on anything except your wrists?

cathy: don't be ridiculous!



enjoy your weekend!

fashion funnies: more is more...

saw this in last week's sunday paper...made me smile...

woman one in dressing room: ok, how's this swimsuit?
woman two in dressing room: good, hides all your "bad" parts

girl three in dressing room: how's this bikini, crystal?
girl four in dressing room: nice, shows off all your "good" parts
girl four in dressing room: you'll be the star attraction at the pool!
girl one in dressing room: i know! ok, now i'll try on the teeny one!

woman one in dressing room: are we doing this all wrong? i mean, with swimsuits, less is more, right?
woman two in dressing room: only on some people, on us, more is more. try this sarong

enjoy your weekend!

click on pic to zoom

it's a cover-up...

there are so many wonderful ways to 'cover up' when you're walking to and from the pool or beach...you're only limited by imagination...of course...if you prefer...just a plain white shirt always works too...how do you cover up?

gottex sheer floral pareo
(bloomingdales)


dvf romper cover up
(bloomingdales)


ralph lauren halter dress cover up
(bloomingdales)


becca tunic cover up
(bloomingdales)


trina turk maxi dress...
nice because it can also be worn on it's own...
(nordstrom)


gottex mesh cover up skirt
(nordstrom)

sum...sum...summertime...

since i just sent out my june newsletter...i thought i would insert an excerpt from it for my fabulous blog readers...it is all about summer time!

as a kid...the thought of summertime can conjure up seemingly endless days of playing outdoors...a vacation with the family...softball games...bbq's...or maybe days at the beach...(or if you're from the east...days 'down the shore'.) somewhere in our lives...we gals start to view one aspect of summertime with dread - the day we will don our swimsuit...and not only the day we have to appear in public in that suit...but also the whole process of shopping for it...(i mean...truly...couldn't they put some flattering light and mirrors in those dressing rooms?!)

well...take heart...it doesn't have to be a torture for you...first of all...it helps going in if you have a little swimwear shopping savvy...

sss tip #1
first of all...forget about numbers...the size, that is...no one will see the size but you...and the important thing is that the suit fit properly...to show off your best assets...if it bothers you...cut out the tag after you purchase...

sss tip #2
you probably have a pretty good idea about your body 'shape', i.e. round, rectangle, triangle, inverted triangle, hourglass...that being said...you should look for suits that will emphasize your most attractive assets while minimizing those areas you're not so fond of...

for example...if you want to camouflage your midriff...a suit with ruching will help...in addition...this particular suit...with it's wide-set straps...draws the eye upward...emphasizing the upper chest and shoulders...(i have this suit in a fabulous teal...and i absolutely love it!)



the vertical ruffle on this suit helps to slim the body...



if your shape is a triangle (heavier on the bottom)...you can focus attention on the upper body with a printed tankini top and solid color bottom...



if you want to emphasize (or create) a waistline...a suit with detailing at the waist will do the trick...



check out the swimsuit section on the Nordstrom website - you can look at suits according to your body type...gotta love that!

sss tip #3
think about the fabric and your planned activity before you purchase...for example...if you're planning on spending time in the water...avoid crocheted or loosely-knitted suits because they sag and lose their shape when wet...

sss tip #4
get a tan...no, not in the sun but out of a bottle...we all look better in a swimsuit when our skin is a bit tanned...whether it's a spray-on (mystic and versatan systems are two good ones...i especially like versatan because it dries you off after the 'liquid tan' is sprayed on...minimizes streaking.) or a lotion (again, my favorite is loreal sublime bronze...gives a good color and doesn't smell bad...be sure to wash your hands well afterwards or...as i do...wear latex gloves to apply.)

photo credit: nordstrom.com

coverups...

the farther away you get from the water...the more your bathing suit feels like underwear...you need a coverup...it is...by definition...the simplest of things...

an oversize button-down shirt...a large cotton shirt...a thin cotton dress...a pareo (sarong) jauntily knotted at the hip...but it will get you home...or to the store...or to a pool party...wherever you need to be when it comes time to pack up your sand toys and go...

a big cotton shirt...perfect for sleeping in...working in...or throwing on over a bathing suit...it's comfortable...familiar...modest...and it protects you from the sun...


a cotton dress...long-sleeved or short...it doesn't matter...it should be cool...comfortable and easy to throw in the washing machine...perfect for getting you from beach to barbeque...
maje pagny striped cotton dress

when dorothy lamour appeared in the 1940 film "road to singapore"...she inspired millions of western women to wear this fabric wrap (also known as pareo) from the pacific islands...five to seven yards of material...tied at the waist or chest...that's all it is...use it as a beach towel...as a picnic blanket...or (with the right shoe) as a cocktail dress...

safe sun...

you don't need much...a bathing suit...to keep you from getting arrested...some sun, sand, and the occasional wave...pure heaven...but think about protection...

yesterday...we had 80 degree weather...and i spent my day on the beach...it was pure heaven...

so...when thinking about protection...what do you need?

a sun hat with a brim wide enough to shield your face (and hair...my hair stylist would be proud)...shades that are coated to block harmful ultraviolet rays and so dark that you can't see your eyes through them when you look in the mirror...a summer shoe that puts a cool sole between the hot sand and your feet...a straw bag - one that lets the sand sift through and is big enough to carry a day's worth of sun lotion, fashion mags, water, towels...and whatever else you might need...

bathing suits...

we wouldn't mind looking like one of the women in the sports illustrated swimsuit issue...elle macpherson would do just fine...thanks...

we think it might be possible...we've been working out...we've given up most of our favorite food groups...we head to the swimsuit section of our local department store with a glimmer of hope in our soul...

ten suits later...we've decided that anyone who looks decent in a bathing costume is really just a hologram...another twenty...and we're ready to move to minsk...now that we need them...where are those knickers and tunics women wore to "take the waters" in the late 1800's?

a few pointers...know your body type and your trouble spots...do you have big hips and a small chest? is your tummy thicker than you want it to be? are you self-conscious about your full bust?

every season...there are new fabric blends and cuts to hold...flatter...and conceal an amazing spectrum of body types...try on a range of styles...patterns can camouflage or draw attention to specific areas...

a good website to start with is nordstrom.com swimshop...it actually has you put in your "body type" to start you off...

the good news is that with innovations in fabric and design...you're likelier than ever to find a suit you're happy with...one that finally lets you put your own swimsuit issue to rest...

how to avoid turning into cathy this bathing suit season...

there are times you read an article...or a blog...and something just resonates within you...this was the case for me yesterday...on a post about...ready? the bathing suit...this has got to be one of the most uncomfortable items for women to find...or even to want to shop for...that and jeans...

i love this post by jezebel...puts it all in perspective...


When I was younger, I looked forward to spring: it meant that school was almost over, that softball season had begun, and it was time to trek to the ocean to splash in the waves.

Yet somewhere along the way spring became the season to dread, as it meant that suddenly the body I had happily carried around under layers of warm sweaters and thick socks all winter was no longer fit for public viewing. The onset of warmer weather no longer represented softball games, beach trips, and freedom from school responsibilities: it meant stressing over my lack of a tan, my need for a pedicure, and, according to every magazine on every stand ever, my apparent need to lose 8-10 pounds in order to buy and wear a bathing suit.

The onset of spring, sadly, has come to represent one of the worst times of year in terms of the way the media attacks body image issues: as with the post-New Year's diet resolution rush, women's magazines hop aboard the insecurity train and drive it into a ditch, reminding all of us that if we dare show any skin this season, it better be toned and tanned, or else.

I like to think I have a pretty good bullshit meter for these kinds of things, and over the years I've learned to accept my body and treat it with respect, but there are certain instances where I feel pulled into this trap, feeling as if my body would look a little better with x amount of pounds missing, or better arm muscles, or a fourth coat of polish on my nails, or instant tanning lotion. The beauty-industrial complex feeds on these insecurities and promotes the idea that unless you look perfect, you should probably just stay off the beach and in your home, reading Loser Monthly, eating bon-bons, and perfecting your best "ACK!"

So how can you avoid being a Cathy this bathing suit season? It begins with a dose of reality and acceptance. If you're trying on bathing suits, remember that the only person who is going to see the size on the tag is you, and that in reality, sizes are meaningless: if you feel confident in the suit, wear it. Don't buy a suit 3 sizes too small in order to "motivate" yourself to fit into it: this is a setup designed to make you feel bad about yourself. A bathing suit is not a means to measure your self-worth or beauty: it's simply a costume designed for swimming and sunning, and one should never feel isolated from these things based on the bullshit standards of others. Sorry, Cosmo, but my summer goal is to have fun, not to "look sexy in a bikini."

In short, the onset of spring should be a time of celebration, not of dread: there is no such thing as the "perfect" body, and happy memories and good times in the sun do not belong solely to those who look amazing in a bathing suit or have the perfect arms. Let Cathy stress out about bathing suit season and vow to diet her way to perfection (recognize that this plan fails EVERY YEAR)— for the rest of us, spring can be a time of appreciating the bodies we have, using our "imperfect" arms to power through the ocean, feeling the sun on our "out of season" skin, and feeling the sand between our toes—chipped polish and all.